celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
A fake ID that makes you younger
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.