Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…