Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
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Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.