Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
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My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*