Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.