@ShoutingGoddess: 'Failed to send tweet,' is Twitter's polite way of saying, 'Dude..'
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@MarfSalvador: 6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon? Taxidermist: He will not
@woodmuffin: Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(
@Tommytoughstuff: "Can I pet your dog?" "Sure, but he can be aggressive." [He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]