@theshantilly: Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*

@batsVsupes:

@parker287: My friend's crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat's litter box, they're not that good.

@boring_as_heck: Joe was really good at making movie trailers. There was just one problem *car honk* he didn't have access to the record scratch sound effect

@AntozWolf: Give a man fish and you'll feed him for a day...... Give a fish a man and you're probably in the Mafia