Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.