Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.