St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
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In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves