[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You Might Also Like
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?