FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
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10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
This 4th of July, please remember…
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.