[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Gross if literal…Liverpool
me and the Superbowl rn
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes