[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
My god she’s good.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me buying fruit and veg
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
relationship goals
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.