[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
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I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Animal poetry
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*