@Jandalize: Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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@theSolemnBard: INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st— ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data. INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we— ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
@dril: my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
@Death_Buddy: ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE? "Haha a man obviously" *Detective places cheese on table* *suspect starts to sweat*
@1Happytwit: I've been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I'm now three weeks late for work.