Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m giving up ice.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise