@Jandalize: Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
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@JessObsess: My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
@TwinSurvivalist: Let's not buy them two of all the same toys we said. It'll teach them to share, we said. We are idiots.
@DanMentos: [first date] "so what do you do?" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager