OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
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You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor