Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You Might Also Like
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?