Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
This is a true ally.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*jingles half the way*
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.