*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
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“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.