*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
what does he know…
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.