*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?