* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
he’s doing your taxes
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.