* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?