*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Sign at work today
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
😆this is so true
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Breaking news:
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do