*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
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Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Wake me when AI does housework
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more