Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Crying is a sign of leakness.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.