Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
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imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”