Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation