Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>