superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
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Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Erm…
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead