My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying