Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
CRYING
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.