[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
You Might Also Like
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
me when i see my girls butt
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Somebody’s lying.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.