[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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There’s no “us” in nachos.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?