[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
it must be school picture day
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
This is a true ally.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
A fake ID that makes you younger