[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
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Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin