[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
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Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible