[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”