[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?