I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Don’t talk down to me
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow