This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
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ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta