[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Xylophonist Shredding It
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Love is always patient and kind.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?