[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
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Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I have written yet another poem about laundry
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!