*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too