[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
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Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
girls literally only want one thing..
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you