Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.