Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
i love meeting boys on tinder
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.