*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
When they try to steal your moment.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.