Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
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i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..