Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
You Might Also Like
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
this is 10/10 content no notes
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
starting a garage orchestra
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.