@WilliamAder: Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they'd never get caught.
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@ericacanrant: If you say I'm getting fat again Aunt Betty, I'll make a "anything for 5 dollars" ad on Craigslist with your name and number.
@1Happytwit: I'm going commando for Valentines day. He's going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
@SondraDeeMe: ME: What's this about? SECRET SERVICE: We can't tell you ME: I can take it SS: *whispers* Your parents didn't take your dog to a farm