@WilliamAder: Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they'd never get caught.
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@mortimermaiden: Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty. Me: Nooooooooo. Judge: Again, you're the plaintiff. Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
@ComedicBust: *On my Deathbed* Me: Tell Tac.. *cough* Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?! Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: I got us this new candle ME: sweet. What flavor is it? W: don't you mean 'what scent is it?' ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
@jctwritesstuff: Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas